gluminal: How to Be a Stay at Home Dad

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Stay at home dads are increasingly common, but still face unique challenges. Take pride in your hard work and embrace your role, whether it's a personal or practical choice. Before you get going, discuss duties and expectations with your partner. Getting on the same page will help you both adapt to your roles. Being a full-time dad is a 24/7 job, but remember you still have to meet your own needs. To avoid burnout, do your best to squeeze some me-time into your routine whenever possible.

EditSteps

EditDefining Your Role

Talk to your partner about dividing responsibilities. Make sure you're both on the same page when it comes to your duties and expectations. Do they expect you to have dinner ready when they come home? What about housework and other chores? Gray areas can lead to arguments, so work together in advance to divide and conquer responsibilities.^[1]
- For example, maybe you'll cook dinner on the weekdays, and they can cover the weekends. Maybe they work from home 1 or 2 days a week and could handle those nights, too.
- You could team up and do daily chores as a family. After dinner, they could do the dishes, you could put food away and, if they're old enough, your youngster can wipe down the table and counters.
Come up with a consistent parenting strategy. Work with your spouse to set consistent rules and consequences for your kids. Discuss parenting decisions together whenever possible, and offer each other assurance that you're equal co-parents.^[2]
- Sometimes, a working spouse may feel left out of the decision-making process. Creating a clear parenting strategy together can help you both adapt to your roles and prevent disagreements.
- For instance, decide bedtimes, set rules about watching TV or playing video games, try to anticipate potential misbehavior, and establish punishments for specific broken rules.
- Unless a situation needs immediate attention, try to hold off on making any big parenting decisions without getting your partner's input.
Seize opportunities to become a better nurturer. Adapting to a new role as a full-time parent is tough, and the many details of childcare can seem overwhelming. Don't feel insecure if you're nervous, and be open to advice from your partner and other loved ones. You could also try reading parenting books and articles or attending classes.^[3]
- All parents, whether male or female, make mistakes, and there's no such thing as a perfect superdad or supermom. Don't be hard on yourself if you need pointers on changing diapers or testing the temperature of formula.
- Men who are more confident in their parenting skills tend to be happier about their roles as full-time parents.^[4]
Embrace your role and take pride in your work. While the number of stay at home dads is increasing, you still might encounter stigma. Don't get caught up in social norms or gender expectations. Remind yourself that being a dad is hard, important work.^[5]
- Whether being a full-time parent is a personal choice or a matter of finances, try not to worry about what other people think about your decision. Take pride in the fact that you've stepped up to the plate for your family.
Be honest with your partner if you feel insecure about your role. Stay at home dads often miss their careers, think that being a full-time parent isn't masculine, or feel that their working partner has more power in the relationship. It's better to deal with these feelings than to bottle them up, so be open with your spouse if you're unhappy.^[6]
- Venting and getting a pep talk from your partner might do the trick. For example, you might say, "I need to be honest about how I've been feeling lately. I love being a dad, but I miss working, and I get insecure whenever I have to answer the question, 'What do you do for work?'"
- While these feelings are normal, remember that being a stay at home parent doesn't have anything to do with masculinity or femininity. If anything, caring for your kids makes you even more of a man.

EditEstablishing a Routine

Get your kids used to a set schedule. Children thrive when they have a predictable schedule, and it'll be easier to wrangle your rascals if you stick to a routine. Your agenda will depend on your child's age and your specific needs. Just try to schedule meals, naps, playtime, bedtime, and other parts of their routine at the same times every day.^[7]
- If you have an infant or toddler, for instance, they might get up at 7:00 a.m. You might feed them shortly thereafter, then get them dressed and brush their teeth. A late morning routine might include playtime or arts and crafts, and you might try to work a bit while keeping an eye on them.
- After lunch at noon, they'll nap for at least an hour (a younger toddler will probably need 2 daily naps), then have an afternoon snack.
- Running around outside, going to a playground, dancing, or another form of exercise can come next so they can burn off some energy. That way, it might be easier to get dinner ready, feed them, bathe them, and get them ready for bed.
Plan on unforeseen disruptions to your routine. A set schedule is an helpful guide, but expect to find creative ways to handle disturbances on a daily basis. Life will throw curve balls like diaper disasters, temper tantrums, cases of the sniffles, and random errands. Keep your cool, handle each situation as it arises, and get back on track when you can.^[8]
- Suppose your child is sick. They're cranky, it's a 20-minute struggle every time you give them medicine, you've spent all day trying to soothe them, the house is a mess, and you didn't have time to make dinner. Stay calm, order delivery, tidy up as best you can, and try to get some rest.
- If your kids can communicate, it's helpful to keep them in the loop about changes to the routine. You might say, "I know we usually play with blocks and draw pictures in the morning, but we have to run some errands today. Don't worry, it'll be like an adventure!"
Be open to advice, but figure out what works for you. If your partner previously stayed at home and you're switching roles, their tips and tricks might help keep you sane. You'll likely find that other friends and loved ones will also eagerly offer advice. Listen and learn, but establish a routine that works best for you and your kids.^[9]
- Don't worry if you do things a little differently than your spouse. Maybe they had time for daily trips to the park, but you work from home and can't spare the extra 45 minutes to drive to and from the park. You can go to the park now and then, and find other ways to keep your kids active on a daily basis.
Schedule uninterrupted office time if you work from home. If you're one of the many stay at home dads who work from home, you still need distraction-free time to be productive. Work with your partner to find blocks of time when they can take over parenting duties.^[10]
- For example, your office hours might be before they leave for work in the morning and after dinner. On the weekends, your partner could spend quality time with the kids while you squeeze in a few hours of work.
Work with your spouse to manage any changes in the schedule. When things come up, team up with your partner to find a win-win solution. Have a talk ahead of time, and come up with a plan to tackle blips in the routine.^[11]
- Suppose you work from home and have a conference call at 5:30 p.m. Let your partner know; they might be able to come home early to watch the kids or grab some take out since you won't have time to make dinner.
- If your partner has to work late, they should let you know so you can plan the kids' evening routine accordingly.

EditOvercoming Obstacles

Treat mistakes as learning opportunities. Some stay at home dads feel pressured to be perfect in order to prove that they're competent caregivers. Remember that no parent is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Instead of getting down on yourself if you mess something up, brush it off and seize the opportunity to learn.^[12]
- Maybe you're not great at brushing your child's hair, or you just can't figure out how to put them down for a nap. Don't get down on yourself. There's a learning curve, and you'll get the hang of it in time.
Maintain your physical and mental health. More often than not, you might find yourself exhausted, with spit-up stains on your shirt, and in dire need of a shave. That's totally normal, but do your best to see to your own needs as best you can. You'll burn out if you don't take care of yourself, so try not to run yourself ragged.^[13]
- Eat a healthy diet packed with fruits and veggies, whole grains, lean protein sources, and dairy products (or calcium-rich dairy alternatives).
- Do your best to get as much as sleep as you can. While it might seem impossible, aim for 7 to 9 hours each night. If you're short on rest, try sleeping when your child sleeps or naps.
- Stay physically active, and get some exercise every day. A 30-minute jog around the neighborhood after dinner or before your partner leaves for work could also provide valuable me-time.
Set aside time for yourself whenever possible. Being a dad is a 24/7 job, but you're still a human being, and you need some personal time. Try to find a few minutes every day to take a breather. In the long run, keeping up with your own hobbies and interests can help you be a better father and partner.^[14]
- If you love to read, grab a good book and read a few chapters while your child naps. Maybe a sibling or friend has kids, too. They could take your tykes for an afternoon, and you could return the favor another day.
Join a stay at home dads group. Spending most of your time at the house and being the only dad at the playground or on play dates can get lonely. Even though stay at home dads are more common, you might not know anyone in the same shoes as you. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways you can connect with other full-time dads.^[15]
- Try looking for a local dad group on the National At-Home Dad Network: http://athomedad.org.